WHAT HE SAID: We’re dealing with a fifth economic shock in less than 20 years.

WHAT HE ACTUALLY MEANT: The other four were Wayne Swan.

We are much better placed and better prepared than most countries. Growth here is still higher than our peers.

As long as those peers are all in sub-Saharan Africa.

Even if unemployment ticks up as expected it will stay around the mid 4s.

Like my approval rating.

The Strengthening Australia’s Fuel Resilience package will deliver more fertiliser for farmers.

By bagging all the shit I am talking.

Its centrepiece is a $10 billion investment in immediate fuel supplies and a permanent Australian Fuel Security Reserve.

I hope people don’t realise this policy is the plot from Mad Max.

And we’re making more progress on our Future Made in Australia agenda

Just need to find the allen key…

Our tax changes will help about 75,000 Australians achieve the dream of home ownership

Hopefully mine will be The Lodge.

We’re also building a Single National Market through our National Competition Policy reforms, so Australia works as one economy not eight.

Except during daylight saving.

We will speed up approvals so businesses can quickly move from an investment decision to shovels in the ground.

Dale dug a hole.

We’re doing more on skills recognition and education so tradies can get their qualifications recognised more easily.

Your next sparkie will be a former child soldier from Mogadishu who thinks electricity is witchcraft.

Seizing the vast opportunities from AI with grants to commercialise AI innovations

I wish my speech writer knew how to use ChatGPT.

We’re cutting the unnecessary red tape holding us back, including $780 million every year in the financial sector alone.

Mental note: must budget for another banking royal commission …

We’re investing billions more in science and innovation, through the Square Kilometre Array.

So I can peer deep into space to see my prospects of becoming Prime Minister.

We’ll limit negative gearing for residential property to new builds from July next year.

Yep, we lied. Get over it.

And we’re replacing the 50 per cent capital gains tax discount with inflation-adjusted indexation.

Fooled you twice.

We’ll also better target the Research and Development Tax Incentive to support more high-impact innovation.

Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is made today.

We’re progressing the most significant reforms to the National Electricity Market since the 1990s as the world moves to net zero.

Codenamed Operation Flickering Candle.

No other budget in the 2000s has set out this much responsible Budget repair and this much economic reform.

My speech writer is clearly drinking again.

This means the heavy lifting on Budget repair is being done by savings and spending restraint.

…and unicorns sprinkling pixie dust.

Australia’s longstanding housing shortage is making homes unaffordable. This challenge hits young workers and families hard

Also ISIS brides.

We’re making government simpler to deal with, through a “tell us once” approach.

So you can sign up for the dole, the carer’s allowance and the NDIS all at the same time.

Backing the aspiration and innovation of small businesses.

Which used to be big businesses before I became Treasurer.

The outlook for business investment remains robust, with a solid pipeline of data centre.

Australia’s economic growth: brought to you by Pornhub.

This is a strategy which strengthens Australia for the next shock.

Please explain?