This week we learned that Nicole Kidman — Oscar winner and national treasure — insists on hugging her two teenage daughters. What’s the big deal about that, you ask? Well, she hugs them for TWO MINUTES. Each.

Look, if you can cook a whole packet of noodles, that’s too long to be hugging someone, in my humble opinion.

The daughters are 15 and 17, by the way, so she’s doing well to get them to even look her in the eye, let alone hug her for two minutes. But maybe that’s the bonus effect of being Nicole Kidman. Your kids put up with you and acknowledge your existence. Imagine.

Nic’s not just doing this for fun. She reckons two minutes of solid hugging releases “certain chemicals” which is a bit non-specific for my highly scientific brain, but I appreciate the sentiment.

I’ve thought about it a lot over the last few days, and I can confidently say that there is not a person on the planet that I would happily hug for two whole minutes. Two minutes is a very long time to hold an embrace. After a while, surely you just start gazing around the room noticing things like a cobweb in a corner, or that the pot plants need a water. Oh look, the fan blades are dusty. Dammit, there’s still a minute-and-a-half to go.

I have a lot of questions about this, as it turns out. Like, does Nic set a timer? Because two minutes is hard to estimate if you don’t. Or do you cue up a two-minute song and just hang on until it finishes?

Also, does she hug them at different times of the day, or does she line them up and do them one after another. Because, from Nic’s point of view, that’s four minutes of sustained hugging. FOUR MINUTES. Who has four spare minutes in their day? When does she do her doomscrolling?

If you’re a parent to teenagers, I beg of you, please, please film them while you suggest that you should hug for two minutes a day, every day. I’m very keen to see their reactions. And if you want to up the ante, tell them they can’t have the wi-fi password until they’ve performed their parental hugging duties.

Yes, I know. I’m an agent of chaos.

Part of me hopes that old Nicole is just trolling her teenage kids and trying to push their buttons a bit because it’s fun. If a parent can’t wind their teenagers up a bit, then what’s the point of having them? Most of the time, they’re awful. Not forever, obviously. And not all of them. And it’s not even their fault. All those hormones and a still-developing frontal cortex mean they tend to have a phase when they aren’t the best company. And that’s exactly when you should suggest that a two-minute hug is in order.

Because after the first attempt, you can bet almost anything that they’d rather unload the dishwasher than chance another two minutes of their mother clutching onto them. You’ll have them folding laundry, putting the bins out and mowing the lawn before you know it.

And I can’t be certain, but I reckon that might also release “certain chemicals” into your bloodstream, making you feel a LOT better about life.

Besides, imagine how dull life would be if a kid grew up without any stories about how their parents embarrassed them during their teenage years. As parents, it’s not only your right to be cringe, I would suggest it’s also your responsibility.

If your kids think you’re cool 100 per cent of the time, you’re missing so many opportunities. There’s plenty of time for them to realise you’re actually okay, once they turn 25, or something. But when they’re 15? Oh, every single thing that you do should be utterly horrifying to them. It’s the natural order of things.

So maybe Nicole Kidman is doing Sunday and Faith a favour. In 20 years’ time when they’re being interviewed on a tonight show — Graham Norton will probably still be a thing — and the inevitable question is asked: “What was it like having Nicole Kidman as your mum?” At least these girls can tell a charming anecdote about how their mother forced them to hug for two minutes, and everyone on the couch will laugh and laugh.