Nikki Glaser reveals jokes cut from Golden Globes speech about Leo DiCaprio, Timothée Chalamet, Julia Roberts

Nikki Glaser is dishing on the jokes she axed from her Golden Globes hosting gig.

The comedian spoke to The Howard Stern Show on Tuesday to unpack her second time hosting the ceremony.

“I was gonna come in at some point and say, ‘I’m hearing from the bar that we’re out of ice. And you know what? We don’t really need ICE. And actually, I hate ICE. I’ve never even wanted ICE,’” Glaser said. “It was gonna be something like that, and even that’s just like, being jokey about it, it’s too trivial.”

Glaser also cut a jab at the film Christy. “People just aren’t going to the theatres to see things, and if you don’t believe me: there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours, and it made $14,” she said.

Glaser explained why she removed the joke: “Audiences just didn’t like it. It just wasn’t killing as hard as all of the other stuff,” she said. “And (Sweeney) wasn’t gonna be there, and it’s a joke you have to do at the top of the show, and it’s like, we’re bringing someone into the show that’s not even here.”

She also scrapped a line about a conservative political commentator. “Wicked. Weapons. Sinners. These aren’t just things Tucker Carlson is screaming at the screen as he watches tonight. These are movies nominated tonight,” she said. “Just didn’t wanna mention Tucker Carlson’s name at the top of the show.”

The comedian axed two Tilly Norwood bits, the AI actress sparking buzz over agency interest. “Everyone’s concerned about AI. Tilly Norwood is the first star to be completely generated by AI, and somehow has still been sexually assaulted by three different studio execs,” she joked before noting the cut. “That was great, but that one we had to take out, but we had another one about the Epstein list, and we were like, there’s too much sexual assault going on, so we had to lose that.”

Glaser shared the backup: “I love that they made a fake actress but they still couldn’t not be creepy about it. ‘Okay, what if she’s 18, but looks 14, but with eyes that say, ‘I do anal?’”

She also passed on a Steve Martin-submitted gag after he reconsidered. “(My writer) said, ‘Hey, Steve sent in a joke.’ And he read it to me,” she recalled. “And later on he said, ‘Steve said don’t do that. It’s not the right tone for the night.’ And he was right.”

The line? “It was some version of ‘I just got back from DC from performing at the Trump Kennedy Center,’” she remembered. “It was something about (the) Trump Kennedy Center. And here I’m at the Trump Beverly Hilton. It was something about that. And it was like, you just don’t wanna say that guy’s name. I just don’t wanna give it space.”

Glaser toyed with a nominee demographics joke playing on surnames. “Martin Short, Jeremy Allen White, Gary Oldman: these are three actors nominated tonight. Actually, short, white, old men are also most of the actors nominated tonight,” she said. “And that was just cut because it felt too woke. It was clever but it wasn’t funny.”

Her top target was Sean Penn, up for supporting work in One Battle After Another. “Sean Penn is nominated tonight, I’m assuming for Best Neck Veins?” she quipped. “Sean Penn is here, looking like the defiant last tree standing in a rainforest.”

And more Penn looks-based burns: “Amanda Seyfried is nominated for both film and TV tonight. Not to be outdone, Sean Penn is nominated in both hickory smoked and mesquite flavours,” she said. “Two of the hardest working actors are here tonight: Sean Penn’s lower eyelids. Give it up for them.”

One implicated his costars: “Sean Penn, Benicio del Toro, and Leonardo DiCaprio are all here tonight for the category ‘Least Eyes.’” Glaser joked. “Leo, why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID, just making sure that the year starts with a two.”

Glaser ditched a Julia Roberts line after club crowds booed it in testing. “I literally thought I was gonna be tar and feathered after the show because the audience turned on me so hard,” she remembered before revealing: “Julia Roberts is nominated for After the Hunt. I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who has seen it.”

She also dropped two Wicked actor jabs since they skipped the event. “Jonathan Bailey is here. Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine,” she said. “And at first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say “openly”?’ And then I looked at a list of past winners, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.’”