Home and Away review: New arrival Luke Arnold teases big things to come with Jas but Colby cliffhanger flops

Before I enlighten you with my thoughts on this grand evening that is the finale of Home and Away for 2020, I must say how very disappointed I am by the lack of a true, over-the-top cliffhanger.

This is my first finale and I was expecting big things: a natural disaster, an untimely death or some sort of Jasmine-related bombshell.

But alas, all I have to contend with is the possibility that Colby could be bashed by his fellow inmates because they know he’s a cop.

Channel 7 have been playing this up really big in the ads but in the actual show – apart from Colby’s dismal cut on his lip – it’s hardly apparent that he’s in danger.

There’s also a new character by the name of Lewis Hayes played by Luke Arnold, who looks remarkably like INXS star Michael Hutchence – so much so he was cast as the legendary singer in Never Tear Us Apart: The Untold Story of INXS. He’s an old flame of Jasmine’s so there’s something to look forward to there.

But aside from the sub-par drama, I’m actually thrilled because as much as my fondness for the show has grown, I’ve been subjected to Justin’s moping for long enough and I need a break.

So without further ado, here is tonight’s recap in kind of order.

Budget McDreamy aka Christian Green has returned from his busy schedule saving lives across the country and Tori is completely smitten.

The happy couple, although delusional, think they have solved their Jasmine problems because Jas said she’s “fine”.

I hope she’s not actually fine and it all erupts in a glorious Jas-fuelled jealously.

With that done and dusted, Christian announces that he wants to move to Summer Bay permanently to be with Tori.

He says he’s been thinking about it for a while – which realistically can’t be much more than a month.

Tori is sceptical. But not for the obvious reason that they’ve only known each other for weeks, but because she’s worried he’s going to get bored of her after his fun-filled life gallivanting around the world doctoring.

The pair go for a walk to the jetty. It’s like the producers forgot about the jetty of confrontation and reconciliation, the place where all the characters comes to seek closure to life’s big problems, but not today.

“What happens if you wake up one day and realise you’ve made a mistake,” Tori says to Budget McDreamy.

C’mon Tori, there’s practically no eligible bachelors in this crime-ridden town so just do it.

“I just don’t know if you moving here is the right thing to do,” she says.

“Listen to me,” Budget McDreamy says in his extremely low and reassuring voice.

“I know that you’ve got much more at risk than I do, but believe me I’ve thought about this,” he says.

“Creating a future with you is going to me much more exciting than any of that was.”

They kiss to “seal the deal” and make the “announcement” to Leah and Justin and everyone watching will be screaming “yassss” because everything is so nicely resolved.

To my relief Justin’s groaning has stopped but it’s all in vain because the police raid the garage which is very groan-worthy.

It’s about the “stolen goods” aka the van brimming with drugs.

Ziggy plays dumb. It’s surprisingly convincing.

“Apparently a bloke was arrested a few weeks back for driving a stolen car and he had this address in his burner phone,” the nice extra dressed as a policeman says.

Justin discovers the car was found around the same time Tane started working at the garage.

Leah hopes it’s a coincidence though.

Ziggy leaps straight into panic mode and calls Tane. But of course she gets his message bank because he’s too busy planning how to rob a country club with guns.

“It’s an easy hit,” Tane says to Ari as they work out logistics.

The extent of Tane’s criminal record still remains a mystery to me, but he succeeds at everything he sets his mind to - criminally I mean.

Ziggy and Tane meet up eventually so Tane can be yelled at – and rightfully so.

Meanwhile Budget McDreamy gives Justin permission to go back to light duties at work and he sits in the garage staring a papers looking bewildered when Tane storms in and gives himself up and says Ziggy had nothing to do with it.

Then Ziggy is summoned by Justin.

“You’ve got some explaining to do,” Justin says.

She explains what happens, which reminds me how ridiculous this whole situation is in the first place.

Justin thinks it all sounds a bit familiar and drags up Dean and the ex-card.

Ziggy isn’t happy that Justin, her boss, is getting involved in her love life but it’s just another day in Summer Bay where the line is crossed.

“She had a reason, a tall dark and damaged one. Tane,” Justin says.

Justin isn’t sure he can get over the betrayal. But he will because there’s no other mechanics in town and I’m expecting Justin to drop dead from Leah’s dead husband curse.

Anyway, after what seems like several hours later (in real time) the mood between Ziggy and Tane takes a drastic change.

“He was wondering why I would go out on a limb for you,” Ziggy says to Tane.

“He thinks that I’m into you.”

And immediately it cuts to steamy scene of them tearing each other’s clothes off which I’ve been waiting for since Tane first stated his drug-running business at the garage.

If they do date, it will be quite convenient for the Parata boys, who can share rides on the way to see their girlfriends Ziggy and Mac, who are roommates.

John is still on Tinder but my patience is wearing thin with this. I guess this is the producers’ attempt at introducing our slightly older audiences to online dating which isn’t really a new phenomenon anymore.

His date didn’t turn up so Irene takes one for the team and invites John to dinner to boost to his ego a bit.

The pair are having a jolly good time together.

“I know what’s holding me back,” he tells Irene.

“I want a real connection.”

“I’m sure someone will come along,” she says to John.

A sickening feeling suddenly overwhelms me and oh my gosh if John Palmer and Irene get together that will be taking it too far, producers, too far.

Dean makes an appearance. He doesn’t want to visit Colby. I thought he would but Dean has become the new Justin with all the moping he’s doing. I know he’s mourning Colby going to jail and Willow’s betrayal, but I have no sympathy.

He stares into the distance and thinks about Ziggy.

It switches to a shot of Tane’s bed and I’m expecting to see Zig in Tane’s massive arms but she’s already escaped.

Next, Dean is at the beach, shirtless. All his shocking tattoos are on display and he goes up to Zig and they walk off into the distance to chat while Tane, also shirtless, feels like he’s sloppy seconds.

Dean wants Ziggy back and he once again declares his love for her.

I feel like they’ve been repeating this bit for weeks so out of pure boredom, I have become content with her decision that she can’t love a man that murdered dead Ross and buried him in a shallow grave. Although she does have that heinous tattoo that she got in Dean’s honour to factor in.

Then even more hours pass and Ziggy visits Dean.

“You wanted to know if there was a chance for you and me and the answer is no,” Ziggy says to Dean.

Dean pretends to cry but we already know that he can’t cry so he asks Ziggy to leave instead.

Jasmine is the first person to visit Colby in jail. I find this very strange because I don’t really know why they’re friends even though the producers are really pushing the idea they have a very deep-rooted relationship and seem to have dropped Jas’ grand baby-making plans.

The visit is much more fruitful than she would have expected because a dorky man by the name of Lewis is there.

I spent some time mulling over a nickname for the new character. But this one stumped me, or rather the actor himself stumped me. When I was interviewing Luke Arnold ahead of the finale, he called himself a poor man’s Johnny Depp and I can’t beat it. So thank you Luke Arnold for taking the hit on this one.

It appears Jasmine and poor man’s Johnny Depp know each other and they make vague plans to catch up like everyone does.

Back to Colby.

“I just wanted to see you,” Jas says.

“I promised Robbo I’d take care of you,” and now their relationship makes sense – it’s all in honour of dead Robbo. Or could it be some quick thinking on behalf of the scriptwriters to throw me off the scent of Jas’ baby?

Visitation hour’s come to an end but she’s not glum at all because this new Lewis guy has a free afternoon to kill and they head off together.

Meanwhile Roo takes Kieran – the new arrival, who is Martha’s secret son with “issues” - on a tour of Summer Bay. They manage to stay out all day even though there’s only a diner, bar – which Kieran can’t go into because the temptation of alcohol is too much - and surf club.

He’s the lost puppy type without a job, any prospects and no plans.

While this is going on, Martha grows increasingly worried that Kieran is going to flip and go back to his old ways, whatever that may be.

Alf gets it out of her.

“Tell me Martha how bad did it get?” Alf says.

He gets filled in about the alcohol and the domestic violence.

“One night it got so bad I called the police. What kind of mother calls the police on her own son,” Martha queries.

“You just never hit a woman,” Alf says – yeah good one Alf.

Anyway Kieran says he’s changed and Martha wants him to say.

“Under any circumstance I wouldn’t have a bloke like that stay in the house,” Alf says.

Roo seems to like him though.

“His resolve was very impressive, mum,” Roo says to Alf and Martha.

I just can’t get over the fact that Martha and Alf have been married twice but she managed to keep a grown-up son a secret.

Anyway Kieran approaches Jas for the manager position at the gym but comes on wayyy too strong.

But poor man’s Johnny Depp is there to save Jasmine from the very intense Kieran. I hope this is a sign of things to come for Jas.

We find out that Lewis is also a nurse and they hooked up once but Lewis fell in love with Anna, who later had a car accident and died.

They bond over their respective tragedies and giggle in slow motion as a montage with all the characters plays out for the rest of the episode and I feel so let down that nothing that exciting happened.

But wait, there’s a bit more.

It switches to Colby and he walks around the yard and all the inmates surround him.

“You really thought you’d get away with it, constable Thorne,” a baddie asks Colby.

So there we have it, a small glimmer of hope that Colby’s time is up for good and I won’t have to look at his bad hair anymore.